


Teenage Sacrifice

by MoonShoesReyes



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Compliant, Clarke's POV, F/M, season 5 speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-05-19 06:32:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14868554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonShoesReyes/pseuds/MoonShoesReyes
Summary: Talking to Bellamy is a habit that Clarke just can't kick, even when he comes back to earth.





	1. Chapter 1

Day 2,205

           “Bellamy? It’s me. Again. Obviously. It’s day 2,205.

           “God, and I thought I didn’t know why I was doing this before.

           “Maybe I’m finally going crazy. Maybe I have used up my sanity, making choice after choice. Maybe after all of these years of overthinking, I’m finally through with logic.

           “I wish. What I would give to escape my own head.

           “But, no. This is better. Well, not better, but necessary. Better is too good. And we don’t get good, do we, Bellamy?

           “Plus, I couldn’t go leaving Madi, or--”

           Clarke let her hand drop, refusing to finish the thought out loud. She inhaled deeply, looking behind her to where the fire Bellamy still sat by was just a smudge in the distance.

           She can’t help but laugh to herself, or at herself. She can’t decipher which anymore. They were at war, and here she was, talking to the memory of someone who sat a couple dozen yards away from her.

           “I swear, the days have gotten longer since the bunker was reopened. Back when it was just Madi and me, sure there were things that had to be done, but there was no need to rush. There was a patience and a calmness that I had never felt before. Not on the ark, and definitely not when we first got to the ground.”

           Clarke paused again, the words not coming out as easily as normal. Maybe it was something about how off the situation was. Clarke wasn’t talking to the radio that fit perfectly into the callouses on her hands, the radio that had been with her longer than Madi. She was instead using a radio given grudgingly by Octavia, in case the Blodreina had need of her. Clarke wasn’t feet away from Madi, she couldn’t hear the deep breathing of her natblida. A noise that kept her sane, just as sane as these calls to Bellamy. If they could be qualified as sane. She wasn’t sitting by her rover, her home, or anything familiar.

           Everything was different. Everything was wrong. And yet, in the face of all of the uncontrollable wrongness in her life, she turned to the one thing that was truly hers, and continued to speak.

           “I don’t know if its because Madi’s gone, or because you’ve changed, or because I’ve changed, but God do I feel alone. I wonder if this is what Wells felt like, during his time on earth.”

           Clarke knew she was avoiding what she wanted to talk about. She didn’t particularly care.

           “Think about it—Wells was alone, surrounded by people who were, or had been, or should’ve been allies. people in the exact same position as him. And yet he was entirely alone. He was the chancellor's son, he chose to be there, not like the rest of us. Who would have thought being Jaha’s son and being the Commander of Death would feel so similar.”

           Clarke breathed deeply before continuing.

           “Not to mention, the one person who should have been there for him, who he used to know better than anyone, who could finish his sentences, felt like a total stranger. I miss him. You didn’t know him well, but he was a good person, and a good friend. I think the two of you would have actually gotten along.”

           Clarke gave a watery laugh.

           “Well, not the you when you knew him. No, that you was a dick. The you now.”

           Clarke caught herself.

           “Nope, not the you now either. The you from before. Before Praimfaya, before the ring, before everything went to shit. My you. God I miss that you. Sometimes it feels like you’re as far as—”

           She was abruptly cut off, hearing Millers voice in the distance. Clarke immediately buckled the radio back to her belt, and took off towards the fires. She noted but ignored the look of confusion Bellamy sported, having seen her coming from the opposite direction of the tents. Instead, she offered to get the med kit, and got to work.

Day 2,206

           “So, we survived. Again. I think our trick is becoming a little old hat, we just keep on surviving. Where’s the surprise anymore. Maybe Murphy was right. Maybe I’m a cockroach, too. Maybe we all are. Anyways, its day 2,206. Somehow, against all odds, we survived the night.”

           Clarke’s head dropped, still in disbelief of _how_ exactly they had survived.

           “A human shield. These people are soldiers, and they died, not in the face of war or the enemy, but in avoidable weather conditions. And that’s not an easy way to go. I’ve been in those glass storms, it hurts, it takes weeks to heal, and even then, the scars…”

           “There are times when I forget how we changed, when you look at me, after Octavia or Cooper does something particularly crazy, and we just _know,_ you know? You’d think it would give me some level of comfort, but instead it just highlights the differences between us now.

           “I just feel so off balance. You used to help with that. But now… I don’t know. Hopefully it will be better when Madi gets here.”

           Taking a breath to steady herself, Clarke debated how to phrase what she wanted to say next. How she wanted to discuss the worries that had been plaguing her.

           “Madi… Madi is my family. She’s my only family. I am so happy that all of you became so close on the Ark, its what you needed, and its what I wanted, but I can’t help but feel abandoned on the outside again. I always end up on the outside. Whether it was me making the tough choices and being blamed for them, or me leaving and being left behind. I don’t know what else I expected when I left. But, here’s the thing, you used to be my bridge back to everyone. And now that bridge is no longer operational, and I worry that I wont just lose you, but Raven and Monty and Murphy and Harper too. Even Emori and Echo, from the way you talk about the Ark, it seems as though they fully integrated. There must be something great about them, if you all love them. But I will always be Wanheda to them.

            “This is stupid, a stupid thing to be jealous of. But we knew each other for barely nine months. Two of them I spent on my damned self-exile, and you have known them for six years. I am scared that we,”

           She stopped herself.

           “I’m scared that I will never be able to know all of you like that. And I want that, I want that family. Even Wonkru, as fanatic as they may be, have a unit. And I have Madi, and I will always be grateful for Madi, but I will always be her Mom. I think what I really need is a friend.

                       “I guess that is why I’m still talking to you. Against all odds, I still have hope. Hope that we can find our way back to each other. If not to who we used to be, then maybe to something better.”

           Hearing footsteps, Clarke quickly composed herself, hastily clipping the walkie back to her pants.

           “Clarke?”

           Bellamy. He probably needed her to come back to the others, finish treating those wounded by the glass.

           “I’m here.” She answered, sparing no extra words. His face was grim when he came into view. He looked tired, weighed down. Clarke wished she could lift that burden, wished he could have been as carefree as she was sure he was on the Ark.

           “What are you doing over here? We need you. Octavia’s arm isn’t healing right, and Indra is breathing oddly.”

           Deflated, Clarke nodded. A part of her had hoped his reasons for seeking her out would be selfish. But this was Bellamy she was talking about, he wasn’t selfish. Clarke stood up, and stoically began walking towards Bellamy, not making eye contact as she did so.

           As she passed him, careful not to brush shoulders, he grabbed her upper arm. Startled, she looked up, meeting his eyes.

           “Are you sure you’re okay?” Despite not asking prior.

           “I’m okay as I’ve ever been,” she answered, not particularly helpfully.

           “That doesn’t say much, up until a few days ago, I thought you were dead. That’s pretty not okay.”

           Clarke softened slightly, before saying, “My sentiment still stands,” and going to help Octavia.

Day 2,207

           “Bellamy. 2,207 days. And I finally got to see Monty and Harper again. It got me thinking about when we first got to the ground. There were 101 of us. And the mount weather happened, and there were 48. Now there are six. Seven if you include Raven, and she wouldn’t have it any other way, and eight if you include you. Monty Green. Harper McIntyre. John Murphy. Nathan Miller. Octavia Blake. Raven Reyes. Bellamy Blake. Clarke Griffin.”

           “Eight of 102. And we thought those first days on earth were hard.”

           “Do you remember when I walked in on you and Roma? I hated you back then. Well, no, I don’t think I ever hated you—I hated what you represented in my life. I needed order, and you were the antithesis of that. Honestly, I think you were exactly what I needed. We had such bigger problems than me walking in on you with a girl. Even when I found out about Finn and Raven, I had such bigger issues. I prioritized. I had people to take care of, so I put them first. Madi comes first. “

           Clarke sighed, even when talking to no one, she skirted around what she really wanted to say.

           “Just because I compartmentalize my feelings, doesn’t mean I don’t feel. It doesn’t mean that I don’t get the breath knocked out of me. It doesn’t mean I don’t panic when I see you doing something reckless.”

           Clarke switched the walkie talkie over from her right hand to her left. She knew she wouldn’t do it in person, so she might as well do it where no one could hear her. At this moment, despite all of the uncertainty, and all of the danger that she and Madi were in, she felt settled, hearing the steady breaths of her daughter behind her. Telling him might be cathartic.

           “Bellamy, we are leaving. I don’t want to tell you, no I can't tell you because you would probably be the only one capable of talking me out of it. Because you provide this absurd and fabricated sense of safety. But we aren’t safe—Madi isn’t safe. We can't stay here. I truly hope that you find your sister in Blodreina, and that she accepts Echo.”

           Clarke’s voice broke, but she powered on.

           “I hope Echo makes you so, so happy. Because you deserve that, Bellamy.  You deserve your big Spacekru family, with Echo, and with your sister. Madi is my family, and she is all I really need. And she needs me. Hopefully, if McCreary doesn’t… when the dust settles, we can find our way back to each other. As friends. I think that time will be good for me, it might let me get my head on straight. To figure out my position in relationship to you, to all of you again.”

           Clarke heard the sound of the ship in the distance.

           “Be safe, Bellamy.”

           Clarke began to put the walkie talkie away, planning on leaving it behind. But, after a brief moment, she slipped it into her bag, unable to say goodbye to the ghost of her best friend.

           Clarke woke Madi up gently, and the two were soon out of the tent, and on the way home.

           As much as Clarke would’ve liked to ignore the slightly rumpled Echo and Bellamy, parting ways, she couldn’t help but watch. Why would Echo be leaving? She couldn’t leave Bellamy entirely alone, not again.

           Without overthinking, Clarke told Madi to stay put. Against her better judgement, she went to talk to her stranger of a best friend.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place post Season 5 Episode 7, Acceptable Losses

Day 2,208

 

            “I don’t blame you, not for Octavia at least. I’m not the one to judge holding on to the person someone used to be. It’s day 2,208, and Monty is right. We don’t deserve Shallow Valley. But Madi does, and Ethan does, and all of the kids who should get the chance that we never got – to just be kids. So, I am willing to fight for that, and I am willing to kill the person who was my first friend on earth, if it comes down to it.

            “I wish Lincoln was here. I don't think even you or Indra can talk sense into Octavia now, but Lincoln could. Lincoln saw Octavia, and loved all of her. He saw the darkness inside that would become Blodreina, and he loved her for it, but he also saw the Girl Under the Floor, and he saw the Girl Who Chased Butterflies. He brought out the best in her, and accepted and loved the worst.

            “Octavia saw the grounders for who they were before any of us. You and me, we just saw a threat, because that’s who we are, Bellamy. We look for threats everywhere. But Octavia, she saw a people who were just trying to survive. Not only that, but she helped us all to see it. Without Octavia and Lincoln, I don’t think I could have been with Lexa or Niylah, I don’t think you could have been with Echo.

            “Of course, I never thought that you’d…. Never mind. Did I tell you I used the tactic that Lincoln first used when we captured him on Eligius? I wouldn’t speak English, I hoped that they’d believe I didn’t speak it, so they could reveal something in front of me. Diyoza saw through it, though, I was too focused on the radio. I guess it’s a habit, being attached to this stupid piece of machine.”

 

            Clarke sighed, letting her hand with the radio drop. She ran her other hand through her knotted and dirty hair, still pink from the berries she and Madi had used just days before.

 

            “I wish I had been there when Lincoln was killed. I wish I could have been there to stop it, or at least try. I wish I could have been there for Octavia, or for you. He was your friend, Bellamy. He was my friend. He was my people. And now it’s like he was never here. Now he’s just another name carved into my rifle strap. Like Wells, and Jasper. Like Finn, and Lexa.”

 

            Clarke choked on the name Lexa, her mouth suddenly dry. She didn’t think she’d ever really get over her, the first woman she loved. The strong and steady and kind and compassionate leader, who fearlessly and justly led her people. No matter how much time had passed, or how much Clarke had really come to terms with her death, the sting was still there. Different than how it was with Finn. Two people she loved, differently but fiercely, both dead.

 

            “Killing Finn was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The grounders outside the dropship, the people in Mount Weather, those were numbers. Granted, impossible numbers, unthinkable numbers who were people, but they had no faces. I couldn’t let them have faces. Finn had a face, and I had to see the life leave it as he died. Because I killed him. But I did it, I had to do it, because without his death we wouldn’t have made it. And humanity needs to survive, Bellamy. We might be monsters, but we are monsters with this infinite potential to help and create and love. And sometimes the only choice, or the best choice, is the impossible one. And we have to make it, we choose so they don’t have to.

 

            She smiled without humor at the repetition of things she had said to Bellamy prior.

 

            “I know, only choice is an oxymoron. But it’s true. When it comes to humanity surviving, versus anything else, there is no real choice between the two.

            “You thought that letting Madi stay with Octavia was your only choice. That is an oxymoron fitting of the phrase. There was an alternative there. You were willing to let the only good thing in my life die, for Echo. And I get it, Bellamy, I do. You love her, she is your partner—”

 

            The word partner tasted bitter in Clarke’s mouth.

 

            “But Madi is my daughter. And Octavia doesn’t care if she lives or dies. If Madi lives, she survives under Octavia’s thumb, as a tool to wield against the Grounders. If she dies, well, that’s one less threat against Octavia.”

 

            The anger and resentment Clarke held within her started to bleed into her words. She did her best to temper it, but she wasn’t sure how successful she was.

 

            “I get that Madi and I aren’t part of your family anymore, even if you don’t see that right now, but I wish you could understand how much I need to save her. And I am starting to think that… Maybe you would let Madi die at Octavia’s hands before you would hurt your sister.”

 

            Clarke’s eyes closed as the truth behind her words set in.

 

            “I don’t think you realize it, and I don’t think you would realize it until a situation came up, but you’re not willing to sacrifice the one you love to save the greater good. At least not directly. You would sacrifice yourself in a heartbeat. You can put your hand over someone else's as they pull a lever, sentencing hundreds to death. You can leave someone behind, condemning them to death, as the world was ending in order to save your friends. You could watch as I killed Atom, made a long, painful death into a short one, but you couldn't do it. You can’t look someone you love in the eye as you slide a knife between their ribs. You can’t lose your sister. And that’s okay, maybe you’re a better person than I am. But what you need to understand, because you seem to have forgotten, is that I will, Bellamy. I will do what has to be done to save my daughter. No matter who gets in my way. And I really hope that isn’t you.”


	3. Chapter 3

Day 2,209

 

            “And we have officially reached crazy. I don’t even have a radio anymore, Bellamy. I am talking to myself. Alone. No one to hear me. Mark the day, 2,209: Clarke Griffin finally lost it.”

 

            Clarke smiled lightly, no real joy in the expression. She was seated on the floor of some cell in the bunker, back against the wall, her legs pulled up in front of her. It smelled of something indistinguishable, and Clarke was pretty sure she could see bloody scratches on the door. She didn’t even want to think about what could have happened to the people who had stayed in this cell before her. It felt like something out of a horror film her dad would show her on the Ark, long after her mom went to bed.

            Letting her head hit the wall behind her, while her eyes traced the corners of the room absently, Clarke continued.

 

            “I can’t believe I’m going to have to tell you not to feel guilty again. But I will; Bellamy, this is in no way your fault. You can't carry this with you. You did what you could, what you had to do. Hey, at least it should be easier for you this time. I was already dead once. This week, getting to see each other again was just like… I don’t know. Like a scar. Something to remind you of the past, but its healed. It was a fluke – and now you and Echo and Spacekru can get back to your regularly schedule lives. But with Madi. God, I can’t even think about that right now.”

 

            Clarke shook her head, tears too close to the surface for comfort, the thought of Madi losing yet another parent too much to fathom. So Clarke did what she does best – she compartmentalized, and shoved the pain and the tragedy of Madi to the side.

 

            “I don’t want to have to say goodbye to you again, Bellamy. Granted, I won’t have too long to really feel the loss. I’m happy you’ll have people to turn to, that you won't be alone. Don’t put up walls, Bellamy, let them be there for you, if you need it. I honestly don’t really know what you’ll need, I don’t know where I stand in terms of you. Maybe it won’t feel like anything, just another reminder of someone you finished mourning years ago.”

 

            Clarke wringed her hands, needing something to do with them. The emptiness she felt without her radio resonated throughout her being. The loneliness she had felt for the past six years took on a new severity as she sat alone, hours before her death.

 

            “I really wish I had a chance to see Raven again.”

 

            She couldn't stop her voice from breaking, nor the stray tears from falling.

 

            “I don’t think I ever told her how much she really meant to me. She saw through all of the bullshit and drama and was just there for me. I told her once, after everything with Finn went down, I told her that I would choose her first. No offense Bellamy, but I still mean it. If I had to have one person in my corner, it would be Raven Reyes. You’d be a close second, but its Raven, every time. I don’t think I realized it before Praimfaya, but she was my best friend. And I wish I had a chance to tell her that.

            “Raven will be okay. She is the strongest person I know. No offense again, Bellamy.

            "I wonder if we could have ever gotten to a place where I could’ve called you Bell. Not that I don’t like Bellamy, but, it’s a mouthful, you know? And if I could have called you Bell, I don’t know, it could have felt like I earned it. Like I earned a place in your life. That I had a place in your life.

            “Too late now.”

 

            Clarke rubbed her eyes with her hand, exhausted. Part of her just wanted to sleep, not feel any pain, not be plagued by any thoughts. But the fighter in her refused to spend her last hours of life unconscious. She was an overthinker by nature, and she’d be damned if she spent the moments before her death not being herself.

 

            “Don’t give up on Octavia. I know… I know everything I have said is pretty contrary to that, but I mean it. After the war is over, when there is peace, or some semblance of it, she might be different. She might chase butterflies again, Bellamy. But she’ll need you to help her get there. And I’m not saying forgive her, or forget what she has done, but she’s your sister Bellamy. That being said, she may be your sister, but she is _not your responsibility._ I know you believe that she is, you believe it in your bones and in your soul, but I promise you, her actions are her own.”

 

            Bracingly, Clarke looked outside her cell once more, making sure no one had wandered too close. She breathed deeply.

 

            “I think I’m a little bit in love with you, Bell. Well, that’s not entirely true. I know I am. Six years, it puts a lot of things in perspective. And it’s okay that you don’t feel the same. It’s good, even. It makes it a lot easier for you, and you deserve easy – you have so little of it in your life. I am so happy I got to see you again. And, as much as I hate whats about to happen, and I hate leaving Madi, I know you’ll take care her now. Without me there, I know you’ll step up, because she'll need you to, and because I need you to. She wouldn’t have anyone else take care of her. I just…. I think I just needed to say it out loud, just once. For me. I needed it to be real and audible, because it is one of the most real things in my life.”

 

            Silent tears falling, it felt like a weight had lifted, Clarke scanned her cell again, the corners of her mouth lifting slight as her eyes landed on something they had glossed over before.

 

            “I just spotted some charcoal in my cell. I think I might do a little sketching, before I go. Thank you, Bellamy Blake. Thank you for being so damn easy to love.”


	4. Chapter 4

Day 2,210

 

            Clarke was determined to focus on the tangible. The feeling of the rover beneath her. The weight of Madi’s head, resting in her lap. The touch of her daughter’s hair, fanned out over her legs. The uncomfortable and unforgettable weight that rested on her hip.

            While her right hand worked at delicately untangling the knots in Madi’s hair, her left hand brushed over the top of the walkie again. The part of her that was still caught in the past yearned to make the call. To pour her worries and hurt out to her one ally. But the mother in her, she was too angry for words. That was the ‘mama bear,’ she thought bitterly. The moment of understanding, of comradery she had felt the day before had been fleeting.

            For the first time in six years, Clarke had nothing good to say to Bellamy Blake. For the first time in years, he had stopped being a source of hope and comfort, and instead felt like a threat. The divide between them had never felt so vast. Their relationship had never been built on agreement, it had been fraught with tension and arguments, but it always had the underlying current of respect. Each fight had been vicious and biting and maliciously honest, but Bellamy and Clarke seemed to always be able to listen to each other, and to hear each other. But this, this felt insurmountable. This felt worse than when he was in space. She had seen a future then. But now, that future was further away than ever.

            She was failing at the plan to not focus on it. But why shouldn’t she focus on it? She was allowed to be furious that the person she relied on, she trusted, she even loved, betrayed her. Because it stung! It stung, and it hurt and it sucked. It sucked.

            Not to mention, it was easier to think about the pain than it was to think about the feelings that she still had for him, the feelings that churned in her stomach under the thick layer of betrayal. The worry that could consume her, if she wasn’t careful. The guilt for leaving him behind to face the wrath of Blodreina.

            No. It was much easier to give into the rage.

            Gently, as to not disturb Madi, who was still recovering from bonding with the Flame, Clarke slid Madi’s head from her lap, and onto her coat that she had bundled up as a pillow.

            Clarke brushed some stray hair from Madi’s face, and made sure she had a blanket over her, before hopping out the back of the rover. She unclipped the walkie as she angrily strode to the hood of the rover, hopping on and resting her elbows on her knees. Quickly, and without much thought, brought the walkie talkie to her mouth and spoke.

           

            “It’s day 2,210, and I wish you hadn’t come back from the Ark.

            “I’d say something self-deprecating, like how maybe I’m a monster for thinking that, how I don’t deserve anyone besides Madi, but honestly, I don’t care. Who cares who is a monster anymore? We are who we have to be. And right now, the people you and I have to be don’t work together.

            “She is twelve years old, Bellamy. Twelve years old. If anyone had even thought about doing something like this to Octavia when she was 12, they would be dead faster than they could voice the idea. But, who cares about Madi, right? No, your family is Raven, and Murphy, and Emori, and Echo. What is Madi compared to them? She’s just another unfortunate sacrifice. An acceptable loss.

            “I guess I was another acceptable loss, too. Because you had to know you’d lose me.”

 

            Clarke closed her eyes, resting her head on the back of her hand. Did Bellamy lose her? She couldn’t be sure. But right now, in the heat of everything, it felt like he did. But she was never really his to lose, was she? Not yet, at least.

 

            “You painted a target on her back, Bellamy. You promised me that she would be safe, and then you go and put her in the least safe position I’ve ever experienced. Do you not remember what happened to Lexa? Do you really care that little about me that you would subject me to losing another person? Or are you that hyper focused on your family that you don’t care who else gets hurt. You must be so used to space, keeping the six of you alive, that you don’t know how not to sacrifice others to do so.”

 

            Then came the pain. Before, the separation between Clarke and Spacekru felt like something that could be healed, an incision that could be stitched back together. But now it was a gaping wound. And Clarke felt it, she felt it like someone had ripped a piece of her off, like there was a hole in her chest the size of a dinner plate.

 

            “The stupid, ugly, immature truth of the matter is that I’m scared. I am terrified. I can’t lose Madi. She is all I have. She is the best part of me. She’s… she’s different now. She is still Madi, but there is more now. I see Lexa in her. Hedas die, Bellamy. You signed my twelve year old daughter up for a life of pain and power and danger. You took away her choice, just like the Ark did to me and Octavia and the rest of the hundred. You took her choice just like your mother took yours by forcing the responsibility of your sister on you. You’re just as bad as the council, and you’re just as bad as the zealots.

            “I was supposed to be done, Bellamy. My fight was supposed to be over. We talk about being a cockroach, but every time I don’t die is just more sacrifices I have to make. And I could do it. I did do it, for months. I sacrificed everything. Finn, Lexa, freedom, happiness. I sacrificed my life for you, Bellamy. Praimfaya was supposed to be the end of my sacrifices. I was supposed to be able to have peace. I just want to rest, Bellamy. Haven’t we sacrificed enough?”

 

            Clarke angrily wiped tears from her eyes. He didn’t deserve them right now.

 

            “I can’t lose Madi. And I won’t. I’m going to get my mom, and Kane and Raven and Murphy and everyone else. Because that’s the right thing to do. And because I love them too, which you seem to forget. I was never willing to let them die. I don’t know why you didn’t trust me to make the right decision. I don’t know why you didn’t work with me to find a right decision. But you made your choice. And now you have to live with it.”

 

            She didn’t point out that he would likely have to die with it. She refused to acknowledge the pain she felt for condemning him to death. She had to focus on Madi.

 

            “You want forgiveness, Bellamy? Too fucking bad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, originally I was going to save the line "for the first time in six years, Clarke had nothing to say" for a happier moment, probably when she was directly confronted with Bellamy's feelings for her, but it was a good line for this chapter so it happened now.  
> Also, I know its super angsty, and doesn't look good for our heroes, but I still have hope. God that felt as corny writing it as it did thinking it. 
> 
> Also, if I was writing an AU, something that was canon divergent as opposed to canon compliant, this chapter would have ended as follows:
> 
> ~
> 
> "You want forgiveness, Bellamy? Too fucking bad."
> 
> Clarke threw the walkie to the side, dropping her head into her hands, her fingers forcing their way into her knotted hair.  
> What had she done?  
> And then it happened. The one thing she had prayed and hoped and dreamed of for six years. And it happened at the worst possible time. Broken, and riddled with static, she heard his voice.
> 
> "Clarke?"
> 
> ~
> 
> Please comment, I have been working hard and it gives me joy.


	5. Chapter 5

Day 2,211

 

            “I guess 2,211 days has changed more than just you.

            “I mean less than one day changed Madi. But 2,211. It took 2,211 days for my mom to overdose.”

 

            Clarke swallowed, her hand tightening on the walkie talkie. Her head fell towards it slightly, until her lips touched the piece of machinery.

 

            “God, I wish I didn’t have to do this. I wish I didn’t need this damned crutch. I wish that I was strong enough to do this on my own. But I wished for a lot of things that don’t come true. And the wishes that do? Well, someone has a twisted sense of humor.”

 

            Clarke’s anger remained. It burned and toiled in her stomach. It was, however, muted by the distraction of her mother. The constant panic of her mom’s health mixed with the heart-stopping fear that Bellamy might be dead, leading to an awful, anxiety riddled concoction of dread and guilt.

 

            “It’s easier for me to think of you as two separate people. My Bellamy, and the new Bellamy. Of course, the new Bellamy is probably dead now. And, as Madi loves to remind me, it’s my fault. I think how I felt about you bled into my stories too much, because she seems to care about you the most.

            “I’m still mad. Furious, really. She's in pain, Bellamy. She is feeling the pain of the past commanders. You have subjected her to an unimaginable torture. I bet you didn’t know about the effect the previous commanders had. You probably didn’t bother to ask, either. My twelve-year-old daughter felt as Becca Pramheda was burned alive. I had to sit and watch as my daughter felt her skin melt. And, if you recall, I know how that feels.

            “No, I need to stop. I can’t do this right now. Right now, I need my Bellamy, I need someone to talk to, because, God, Bellamy it’s all just too much.”

 

            She was selfish. She left him to die, and is now demanding his guidance? Granted, it isn’t really him, but still. She would never stop astounding herself with the lengths to which she would go.

 

            “I found my mom. She had overdosed. I managed to save her, but just by the skin of my teeth. I can’t… I can’t think about losing her. I’ve barely gotten her back. She hasn’t even met Madi yet.

“I don’t know why I keep trying to save people, it’s not like I could ever make up for the lives I’ve taken. I suppose it’s a reflex. And it hurts to watch people suffer, when I know I could do something about it. My life would be so much easier if I could stop caring.”

 

            Clarke glanced toward the bed where her mother lay. Madi was dutifully dabbing her head with a damp rag.

 

            “I didn’t take the Flame out. Madi made it clear that she would just put it back in. And, despite everything, I can’t destroy it. Because it’s still Lexa. She’s seen _Lexa,_ Bellamy. _Lexa_. I am torn between wanting Madi to tell me everything, and wanting to sew her mouth shut so I won’t know the horrid details. It’s just – its _Lexa._ It’s been six years and I still can’t stop loving her. But then again, I guess the same could be said of you.

 

            Clarke cleared her throat, shifting her weight.

 

            “There was a mutiny. McCreary overthrew Diyoza. I don’t know where Raven, Emori, Echo, Murphy, or Kane are. But… McCreary killed the defectors. I think I’m safe for now, but I don’t think I can move my mom. She's too unstable.

            “What the hell happened down there? I can’t imagine what would be bad enough to warrant my mom becoming an addict, to force Kane into the pit, for Nylah and Miller to start following Blodreina so blindly, for Octavia to become… Whatever she is now.

            “Back on the Ark, my dad would read vintage comic books. Mostly from the twentieth century. He used to show them to me when I couldn’t sleep. He would say that, no matter where we were, or what happened, there was always someone there willing to stand up and fight. There was one that he liked, about this scientist named Bruce Banner. Bruce Banner was a genius, but he was mild-mannered, more comfortable in a lab than a battle field. But he always wanted to help. Then, when he was doing some experiment with radiation, he accidentally mutated himself. When he became angry, he became this huge green monster, called the Hulk. The Hulk was wild, uncontrollable, angry, and violent. But he still helped. When helping the superheroes, the Hulk didn’t really know when to stop. He would accidentally destroy cities he was trying to save. But no matter what the Hulk did, Bruce Banner was always inside, waiting to come back out.

            “Maybe Octavia is like Bruce Banner. I do think her Hulk, Blodreina, that she thinks she is doing what’s best. But, and I have said it before, but she is in there. Somewhere. I hope.”

 

            She laughed lightly, shaking her head. Madi looked over, concerned. But Madi knew what Clarke was doing, what she needed to do, so she just got back to her work.

 

            “Good job, Clarke, keeping it optimistic, as usual. I know I say how I want your guidance, but God, I wish I could be there for you, too. I wish there were two of me. I wish I could help you try to get through to her. I wish I could have helped you out of the pit.

            “And, despite that, I still don’t forgive you. I can’t. Did I tell you how Madi and I met? I was in Shallow Valley, radioing you, actually. I had just found some berries, when I saw her. She was just watching me. God, she looked feral, like a the stories we would tell by the fire, when we first got to earth, hair matted, face covered in dirt. And then she ran. I went after her, and she lured me into a bear trap. And then she charged me, screaming ‘die Fleimkeepa.’ She had been running from the Flame her entire life. And you can say it was her choice, she chose to be the commander, and that she did it to save me, but you manipulated her. You might not want to see it that way, but you did. I asked you to save her, not me.

            “I just don’t know what to do. It’s like I’m stuck at a crossroads, an equally shitty choice each way. I just wish that I had someone to help me navigate, because I’m struggling on my own. After Praimfaya, I had you, or the shadow of you to help me. Then, when you came down, I thought I’d have my partner back. But, of course, you had changed. Which I get, because I've changed too. But now this fictional you I had constructed in my head has been perverted. It feels different now, talking to you through the radio. Because I know that everything is different. And, try as I might, I can’t imagine a scenario where we will get through this. Because you have a right to be mad at me as well. And I understand. I am angry, I am so, so angry, but I understand. I hope you do, too.

            “I don’t forgive you, but I hope that I will. I hope that you can forgive me. No matter what, we do better when we work together. We are unstoppable when we work together. I’m just scared about what we will be if we work against each other.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all liked! I had serious writers block with this one. I think its really important not to forget about Clexa, because I loved Clexa, and Lexa was so important to Clarke. 
> 
> Please, comment, like, kudos, whatever!  
> donkey-is-my-spirit-animal on tumblr!


	6. Chapter 6

Day 2,212

 

By all accounts, Clarke should have finally felt at home. She was seated on her bed, in the house she had lived in for years. Her mom was alive, and working in the next room, and  her daughter was helping her. But the loneliness followed Clarke like a shadow, making sure she never forgot who she was or what she had done.

            Clarke got up and walked over to the door. She watched for a moment, noting the tension Madi held in her shoulders. It was late, and the Eligius prisoners had all gone, but Madi remained on edge. Madi didn’t trust Abby, and Clarke didn’t blame her. There was no bond between the two, nothing besides a perfunctory relationship based upon their love for Clarke. Clarke deemed her mother safe from her daughter, and wondered how that became something she had to take into account.

            Clarke crossed the room, taking a seat by the window with the best view of the night sky. It was her favorite place in the home that she had made with Madi. One of her sketch books sat untouched in front of the seat, charcoal still by it. It was relatively new, and, unlike the worn pages of her other books, no one had greedily torn through it. No one had invaded her thoughts, pored undiluted onto the page. The entirety of the night sky was spread out in front of her, and the moon illuminated the earth enough that she could see over the trees and rolling hills. It was where she would sit, after Madi had gone to bed. At this vantage point, Clarke felt as though, if she looked hard enough, maybe she could see the Ark amongst the stars, or the tower in Polis, sitting on top of a bunker.

 

            “You know, Bellamy, I used to tell Madi stories. 2,212 days, it’s a lot of time to fill, so I told her tales. More like one, long story. The story of a hundred scared kids, and how they banded together, against all odds, and somehow managed to survive until the grown-ups came to help them. I told them to her for a thousand reasons. To help her sleep, to stay close to you, to remember. To remind myself it was real. For all I knew, Madi and I were the last humans alive, and ours is a story that deserves to be told.

            “I told her all about my heroes. I told her about how Raven overcame the monster that stole her mind. I told her about you and Murphy, fighting your way to the tallest room in the tallest tower in Polis to get to me, and defeat the beast. Her favorite was always the story of Skairipa, death from above, fighting in the conclave. She hadn’t even been on the ground a year, and your sister beat people who had been training their entire lives. How she did something you and I never could have done, and sacrificed her own people for the greater good.

            “I never told her any of my stories. I never wanted to – I never felt like a hero. I never wanted to be a hero. All I ever wanted was their survival, and I would do whatever it took to get there. But I never told her about the igniting the fuel in the dropship. I never told her about escaping with Lexa. I never told her about Mount Weather. How could I? How could I tell her everything that I had done, just to save my people? I had barely gotten her to trust me, I couldn’t tell her of the horrors I had committed. Besides, I made my peace with what I had done long ago, when I watched my world go up in flames.

            “Turns out, I didn’t need to worry about what she thought. She knows what I’ve done, everything I’ve done, from Lexa's memories. Another side effect of the flame that you didn’t consider.”

           

            Clarke breathed in deeply, holding her breath for a moment before releasing. Bellamy and the flame was an argument for another day.

 

            “Madi told me that I was a hero. All of the things I was most ashamed of, that I had tortured myself over, was what made me strong. But what I'm doing now? This is what makes Madi is ashamed of me. And honestly? I'm ashamed of me.

            “Bellamy, I don’t know what to do. I'm caught between two unimaginable evils. Sociopathic murders and literal cannibals.”

 

            Clarke hesitated over the word cannibal. It was unfathomable, what her mother had done. And Bellamy didn’t even know. He didn’t know what his sister had truly become, what she had done to survive, to keep the human race alive.

 

            “Madi can’t understand why I’m doing this. Why I’m _helping_ McCreary. God, I don’t understand why I’m helping McCreary. It kills me to help him. But if the choice is between being with Eligius and Madi not understanding, versus being with Wonkru and them killing her, there is no choice.”

 

            Clarke could feel her resolve weakening. The anger was still there, but, at this moment, when stuck at this dilemma, her need for him was stronger than her need to hate him.

 

            “How the hell did you do it, Bell? Raise Octavia? I just…. It’s impossible. Raising a kid is impossible under the best circumstances, but now every choice is life and death.  And I keep choosing wrong. And people keep dying because of it. You died because of it. Gaia and Indra died because of it. But maybe I'm damned, because I will leave a trail of bodies behind me if I have to, as long as it keeps Madi alive.”

 

            And then it dawned on her. That was what he had done. It was still inexcusable, nearly unforgivable, but that is what he had done when he had given Madi the flame.

 

            “I guess you would get that better than almost anyone. We were always too similar, you and I. And it’s still not okay, I don’t think it will ever be okay, but I get it. I get it a bit more each day, as my anger dies out, and the regret grows. God, I hope you’re not dead. I want to be able to tell you all of this someday. I want to be able to hold your hand as you hear about The Dark Year, because I wish you had been there to hold mine.

            “You must be getting whiplash, all of this back and forth. Every time I think I understand where we stand, something happens that just entirely shifts my world. Whether it be cannibalism or the literal apocalypse. God, our lives are messed up.

            “I wish I could say that I will be there for you, no matter what. I want to say that I will put you first. But it’s not true, not anymore. And it’s not that I won’t be there, or that you don’t matter, it’s that she needs me. And as much as I need you, and as much as I may want you, Madi is the priority. No matter what she thinks of me, or what the cost, I will pay it. For Madi, I’d burn the world down, and I'd let myself burn with it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey my dudes (its Wednesday my dudes.)  
> Sorry, this is up later than usual - I had work today unexpectedly. I will also have work next week on Wednesday, so that will be posted around the same time.  
> Anyways, I worked really hard on this, and I hope you enjoy it!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea, guys, its really short. I don't think Clarke has the time for a long, blown out talk today.

Day 2,213

 

            “You’re alive, and I’m alone again. Except this time, it’s on my terms. Day 2,213 and its finally my choice.”

 

            Clarke was moving through the ship, trying to get to control room, but she couldn’t help but take advantage of the solitude. The tempest of emotions inside of her felt so similar, yet so radically different from those first days in Praimfaya. She was alone, but this time by choice.

 

            “Choices are interesting, aren’t they? You don’t realize that you have them until its too late. I have been making a lot of…. Lets say ill-advised choices of late. And I don’t regret them. Everything I did, I did for Madi. But I regret what they led to, and I regret who I became in the face of those choices.

            “No matter what choice I make, I’m alone. This is different than after Mt. Weather, this is different than Praimfaya. I’m not punishing myself, and I’m not being left behind, and yet I end up alone.

            “It turns out, no matter how much I sacrificed, there is still more left to give. I gave up my future with Madi.”

 

            Clarke released a shuddering breath, so, so tired. Unlike the six years alone, Clarke had a mission now. She had a purpose, and it kept her sharp. It kept her worthy of the title Wanheda.

 

            “I hate this. I just wanted to be selfish, for once. To just get through all of this bloodshed, and be with Madi. Have a family.

            “When I thought you had died, Bellamy, she really was the only future I had. I could do these awful, horrendous things, because it meant I wouldn’t lose her, like I had lost Finn, and Lexa, and you.

            “But then Echo told me you were alive, and it’s like the world snapped into focus again. And Madi told me… Madi talked to me, and I just. I could stand again. I could fight again.”

 

            Clarke stopped moving, back against a wall for a moment.

 

            “I told Madi we would meet again. I made her believe it. I told her that I am the commander of death, and that I say we will. But I don’t know if I can keep that promise, Bellamy. I’m starting to think that my role on the ground is to give my life is for all of yours. That is the purpose I am trusted with. I die so everyone else can live. Madi’s role is to command, to be the Heda.

            “If I’m gone, who is going to make sure that she doesn’t get lost in it? No one will be there to make sure Madi can be more than just a Heda, that she can be a kid. I didn’t want this life for her. I wanted her to be able to live and have fun and come to me to braid her hair and talk about her crushes. I didn’t want her to be burdened with the responsibility of the rest of the human race.

            “But we are who we have to be.”

 

            Squeezing her eyes shut for a moment longer, Clarke continued moving forward, albeit tentatively.

 

            “The selfish question, the one that has been rattling around in my brain for six years, is why does it have to be me. Why am I always the one who has to put my life on the line, or the people who I love’s life on the line.

            “I think Raven hates me. Or something close to it. I held a gun to her head, Bellamy. I didn’t see another way to save Madi. Which really brings me back to the crux of it, doesn’t it. Choices. Now Madi is gone, and Echo is gone, and you’re gone, and I’m stuck alone with the choices I made.”

 

            Determination settled in her stomach. Steeling her resolve, Clarke began walking with confidence.

           

            “I will stop that transport ship from taking off. I will make sure that Raven and Shaw make it out to you. I am who I have to be. I bear it, so you don’t have to. This is what Madi needs to do, so I will do what I need to, to make sure she succeeds.”

 

            Clenching her jaw, she only hesitates briefly.

 

            “I love you, Bellamy Blake. And I don’t care what we’ve done, because we have done it to survive. I think I’m all out of chances. And that’s okay, because I’m giving my extras to my daughter, who deserves it. I will give everything for her. All of me, for all of you.”

 

            Clarke smiled, slightly, and continued to speak.

 

            “Take care of her for me, and, Bellamy? Move fast.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IF MURPHY DIES I RIOT. JUST SAYIN.


	8. Chapter 8

Day 2,214 (+125 Years)

 

            “Well, Bellamy. It’s been 2,214 days, and 125 years. Don’t ask me to do that math, I’m not Raven, and I won’t pretend to be. Let’s just agree that it’s been a long time – too long.

            “At the risk of sounding redundant, we made it. At least most of us.

            “I barely got to talk to Monty and Harper. I didn’t get to hear about space, I didn’t get to show Monty the patchy little farm that was finally coming together in my back yard.

            “Oh, God, we are going to find their bodies, aren’t we? I don’t…. I don’t know if I can handle that. But we need to find them before Jordan does.”

 

            Clarke let her head fall in her hands, palms rubbing at her eyes, uselessly trying to stop the tears. She was sitting in a corridor on the ship. She and Bellamy had yet to wake anyone else up, and Jordan seemed to respect that they needed time to process the onslaught of information they were given.

            Two more of her friends, gone.

 

            “I know. I’ve been thinking about it, too. I don’t want him to stumble upon his parents.”

 

            Clarke’s head snapped up to find Bellamy standing in the archway, hands awkwardly stuffed into his pockets. He didn’t question who she was talking to, so he must have thought her words were directed at him – he was technically right.

            After a moment of uncomfortable hesitation, Bellamy crossed to Clarke, and sat down beside her. She didn’t even think before she shifted her body towards his, so her back was against his side. He wrapped his arm around her, much like he did on the bridge as they looked at their new planet, their new home, for the first time. She instinctively leaned further into his side. They stayed like that for what felt like hours, when in reality it was only minutes.

           

            “Tell me something about them. From the time on the ring.” Clarke finally says, breaking the silence.

 

            Bellamy breathes in deeply, a shuddering, broken breath, that shattered Clarke’s heart. And, for a moment, she wanted to take the question back. She didn’t want him to have to relive memories that would end up painful. They were his family in a way she would never understand. But before she could say anything, he answered.

 

            “Well, you know how he felt about his algae” Clarke smiled, releasing a breath she hadn’t known she was holding. She nodded, which she assumed he felt against his chest, because he took it as a sign to continue.

            “Well, on the Ark he would call it Triple G: Green’s Green Goop. We all hated it, and he knew we hated it, but he never stopped trying to make it better. He would spend hours locked up in his algae farm. It would drive Harper mad, but she understood. He couldn’t do anything else to help, so he did what he could: he made algae. And eventually, it started making him happy. Not the fake, placating happiness the rest of us did most of the time, but really, truly happy. And that was when the rest of us started trying to be happy too. Raven stopped spending every waking moment trying to figure out a way home, instead learning how to fight. Murphy found an old collection of movies. Emori learned everything she could from Raven.”

            Bellamy faltered, caught up in his own memory. Clarke didn’t push him, allowing him the time to come back to her on his own. And after a few moments, he did. He always came back.

            “On our first Unity Day on the Ark, we all gave Monty this dumb apron. It said, ‘Make algae, not war,’ it was mostly a joke, something we thought would make him laugh. He deserved to laugh more. Anyways, we gave it to him, and he just loved it. He loved it so much, that, that night, when he brought out the algae for dinner he also brought out a side of moonshine he had been brewing, secretly.

            “The algae was gross, as usual, and I guess the alcohol didn’t really help us fake it that night. I don’t really know how it happened, who started it. If you ask Raven, she’ll say it was Murphy, but Murphy swears up and down it was Emori, but the night dissolved into this huge food fight with algae. It was some of the most fun we all had, during that first year. And that first year was so hard, Clarke.”

           

            He stopped for a moment, and Clarke twisted in her spot, so she could look at his face. His brows were furrowed, as if fighting with himself. Clarke could tell he was debating whether or not to say something. Without thinking, Clarke’s hand found his cheek, and she turned his face towards hers, so their eyes met. She smiled at him, finding his hand that wasn’t around her in their mess of limbs. His brow softened, and he smiled back, lightly.

 

            “I wish you had been there, Clarke. And I know that’s selfish, because Madi needed you, but, God, we needed you, too.” His eyes left hers, instead finding a random spot on the floor to focus on.

 

            Clarke felt the tears in her eyes as she shook her head at what he was saying. “That’s not selfish, Bellamy. Sometimes I wished I was there, too. But I don’t regret it; not even a little bit. I wouldn’t have traded Madi for anything. And we both know that, if you had waited for me, you wouldn’t have made it. Hey, Bellamy. Look at me.” His eyes lifted from the floor, but were still not meeting her own. She ducked her head, so she was directly in his line of vision. When their eyes finally met, she continued to speak. “Look at me, Bellamy Blake. I am so incredibly proud of you for leaving me. You did exactly what you had to. You kept them all alive. You kept each other alive. And I’m fine, aren’t I? And you’re fine? And we’re still breathing.”

           

            Bellamy nodded, slowly at first, but it gradually became more assured.

 

            “How are you doing, Clarke? You had to leave your home behind.”

 

            This time Clarke broke eye contact, as she twisted back around and rested her back against his chest, not releasing his hand.

 

            “They’re just things Bellamy. I would have liked to keep Jasper’s goggles, my father’s watch, my rifle, but things are replaceable. It’s the people I’ll miss.”

            Clarke could almost feel the confusion rolling off of him as she elaborated. “Finn is buried on earth. Lincoln, Lexa, Gina, Jasper. Madi’s parents. I’m just worried that, by leaving earth, we’re leaving them.”

 

            “We could never leave them, Clarke. By leaving earth we are honoring them. We are surviving for them. They died so that we could have a future, and that’s exactly what we’re doing.”

 

            Clarke couldn’t keep the fear and panic from her voice as she asked, “How do we do this, Bellamy? How do we start over on a brand-new planet, for the second time?”

 

            Bellamy remained silent for a moment, thinking. “We use everything we have. We use Raven’s intelligence, Murphy’s cunning, Emori’s ability to adapt, Echo’s stratagem, Madi’s connection with the commanders, your unending loyalty –”

 

            “Your leadership and selflessness,” Clarke added, cutting him off. He shifted uneasily.

 

            “We use everything at our disposal to work together, to survive. To live. But together. No taking off, no sacrificing ourselves, no leaving each other behind. We can face whatever messed up shit this planet will throw at us if we do it as a team. I’m tired of doubting each other, and losing each other, and fighting each other. This is a new planet, and a new slate. And we face it together, okay?”

 

            Clarke smiled shakily, squinting her eyes to slow the tears. She squeezed his hand, not letting go of it as she stood.

 

            “Together.”

 

            And with that, Clarke pulled Bellamy to his feet, where he stood for a moment, staring at Clarke, their hands still entwined. And, together, side by side, they started walking towards their friends, their family, and their new home.

 

            “You know, I think we need a new word.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and with that, I bid adieu!  
> Murphy didnt die, so I don't revolt!  
> While I'm obvs heartbroken about Harper and Monty, I think they're goodbye was so well executed, that I aint even mad.  
> Anyways, Let me know what you think! About the ep and the chapter. Like Comment blah blah blah.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone. So I'm obsessed with the idea of Clarke still talking to Bellamy, only now that he is with her, she doesnt need to recap whats happening, and she instead is saying how she feels. Read into all of what she is saying because there are layers. There is subtext. You can see her thought process if you look for it. Also, there is mention of wells because they did my boy so dirty.
> 
> Each day is a new episode, so if I get inspired by future episodes i may continue
> 
> Fic title from the song by Caroline Pennell


End file.
